On Bikram and escaping from my Mindcircus {personal}

I confessed to the fact that I suffer with depression in a post a while ago. I didn’t really elaborate other than to say I’m well at the moment. I doubt my ‘well’ is the same as someone who has never suffered with depression’s ‘well’ but you can’t have everything.

Even when I am well, my own head can be a difficult place to be. I am up and down a lot and my brain is a busy and intense place. I get stressed out very easily and I have been constantly tired for as long as I can remember.

There’s also always the niggling fear that I may wake up tomorrow and have another full on depressive episode (my last one was over a year ago. I was medicated, signed off work and spent a significant period of time in bed). I am a time bomb.

I don’t mean this post to be negative, by the way, I’m just trying to set the scene a little bit.

As I say, I am well currently and I am trying to maintain this. I have taken to doing Bikram yoga classes and I credit this with keeping me stable.

It’s a funny thing. I’ve done lots of yoga in the past and my mind wanders and wanders and wanders. The doesn’t happen with Bikram. My mind is still. I’ve never experienced a still mind before.

I guess when you’re in 40 degree heat trying to bend yourself in half, there’s not really much to be done other than focussing completely on the task in hand; you have to be present and live in the moment or you’ll fall over. I’m not exaggerating.

I don’t always make it to my twice weekly class. My brain tries to sabotage me (don’t go, you’re too tired, you can go tomorrow, go home, you won’t make it through the class today…) and I sometimes talk myself out of going. I always feel better when I’ve been though.

When I am feeling stressed and like my head is full to the point of bursting, I often think of the lyrics to Mind Circus by Way out West.

“Can I please have some silence
Can I please have some silence
Can I please have some silence
How about some space?”

What do you do to centre yourself and find silence and space?

Disclaimer: if you’re not a fan of slightly cheesy trance, you’ll probably hate this:

8 thoughts on “On Bikram and escaping from my Mindcircus {personal}

  1. I think we’re a lot alike. I’ve also had bouts of depression throughout my life, one that was pretty debilitating, but I’m in a good place now. I, too, need to talk myself into yoga sometimes, and when I do, the rewards are worth the effort. Thanks for sharing.

  2. Baking helps me ‘find my peace’ I love baking, it’s strange that I don’t get the same peace from cooking, but baking does it every time, I just love it. Major problem is that when you bake, you end up with a cake or a pie or something just as lovely and sweet (and full of calories) so I have to try and limit it to time when friends have birthdays etc so that I don’t end up eating the lot myself! Why baking? Well i think it’s the process, of prepping and mixing all the ingredients is almost mediative, I also love the immediacy of it, you’ve normally got a finished ‘product’ in under two hours, they always taste and look great, and I love making for other people because I love seeing the look of pleasure on their face when they tuck into one of my creations.
    For me, the way I come to terms with depression is that I accept it. Hard as it may be. I have a depressive personality, which means that I will have my ups and downs and my downs my be a bit lower than others. After my first round of counselling I thought I was ‘cured’ I found my next ‘depressive period’ really hard to cope with, I thought I was done, there’s naivety for you! After my 2nd round of counselling and reiki therapy I came to terms with the fact that I may have periods of depression in the future. And since that realisation, I’ve never been as bad. I’ve learnt how to recognise the symptoms, I’ve learnt that when I recognise the symptoms I need to step back, take stock, press refresh, and slowly I climb back up the hill.

    • Wise words, Amy. Especially this “I’ve learnt how to recognise the symptoms, I’ve learnt that when I recognise the symptoms I need to step back, take stock, press refresh, and slowly I climb back up the hill.”

      That’s so true.

      I read a wonderful book called Sunbathing in the Rain which basically said depressive people get depressed because their lives fall out of balance. We take on too much or keep pushing ourselves to keep going, when really we should listen to ourselves and take a step back, as you’ve said.

      Thanks for sharing. x

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